Growing (Older)

When I thought about what I would be like as an adult, I never had a clear image. I thought I would be married and have children, but the only thing I really thought was that they would all be on their own and I'd be a successful business person somehow, like a veterinarian or someone like that. Perhaps that's my problem. I don't know if what I am doing today is sufficient for me to say that I am doing things the right way. I find myself drawn to so many things in the world-- trying to understand research about quantum physics, designing knitwear, getting a handle on how a computer actually reads code, being excited to see whether the tadpoles in our lake have grown legs yet, wanting to spend time with people I love and people who make me think, and time alone to read and knit. The only thing I know is that there's never enough time to do everything. This conclusion makes me sad. I want to be "good" at something, be able to feel accomplished at one thing, so I can stop pursuing that and move on. But I don't feel like I have a handle on anything, and feel compelled to chase after everything, in random directions, until I feel exhausted and disheartened. I'll never achieve my goals, because I have too many of them. Do I need to pick something? Should I stop trying to understand physics? What do I give up? Or do I not give up anything? The only part of all this that's incredibly uncomfortable is my scatterbrained lifestyle and the feeling that I am so easily distracted, like Dory in Finding Nemo. I was never like this as a younger person, when my kids were small! You'd think I would have been more like that then. But I find that I move from topic to topic like a hummingbird flits from flower to flower. And then the day is over ad I don't know where the time went. I can't stay on topic for very long, and it's making me wonder if I am spinning my wheels, or actually acquiring knowledge and experience for some real goal that I can't yet see. Stay tuned, sports fans.